~mandaknows

So I know the last time I talked I said I was screwed over. I'm still looking for a job and a way to pay rent that was actually due on the 1st and I'm just hoping that the rent check that my roomate sent in isn't cashed until I give him money. I feel bad that this is happening because if I can't find a job or find money for rent. I've basically screwed everyone over in my apartment. I feel bad for it but it's what I've somehow managed to do.

I'm not asking for sympathy from anyone, I'm just blogging to get some of this stuff out because I really don't have anyone to confide in lately that wont just tell me to get over it. It's not that easy to get over, I'm financially screwed over. I have no job, I don't know what I'm going to do for school next semester because I still have to pay back my school for some stuff from last semester that I stopped going to because I'm the brilliant one that decided oh I'll just go back next semester. Stupid on my part because now I wont get student loans next semester. I just really wish I could figure out what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Sometimes I think maybe I should go and do something with Psychology, but I really didn't like my soc and psych classes in college, but then again I did take them both at the same time, which probably has some factor in it there. I love giving advice, I usually give more to others then I actually do to myself.

I want to feel like I've accomplished something in my life. Lately I really haven't accomplished anything, once again I have to start over because I quit my job and school is so screwed up. I'm single sort of dating but don't think that I'm dating anyone that will last.

I want to find someone that gets me, that will talk with me when I just want to talk and give me advice instead of say I dunno what to tell you. I like advice but no one knows how to give it to me anymore. I don't want the obvious advice that everyone will give me. I just don't know.

I want to find someone to be with really I do. But plenty of people have told me that I wont find that person unless I figure out who I am, figure out and be happy with who I am. Granted I am not extremely happy with who I am but I can be happy if I truely wanted to be. But in order for me to be truely happy I think that I need to be with that someone and then I will feel complete. Be genuinely happy. I mean I can fake it all I want. I'm being me, now I just want someone out there to understand me and want to be with me. Is that too much to ask? Why do things you want the most have to be so hard to find? Nothing in this world worth having is easy to get... That I understand... But how long do I have to fight for it, for it to actually come?

There were other things that I had on my mind that I really wanted to say, but I've forgotten where I was going with it. I'll just have to come back later and say it. But I will leave you with this. Mada mada da ne.

Temet Nosce.

(btw once again it wont let me change my mood i'm not actually joyous.. it's just being gay and wont allow me to change it to a more appropriate mood)